Holy Granoly!

Maybe you woke up this morning feeling a little bit dumpy and degradatated. Maybe you just want to roll out of bed, put on your prom dress, and arrange yourself dramatically on a divan like this:

Woe! Woe is me!

Woe! Woe is me!


What to do?? What to do??

Maybe a good daggum breakfast would be a start.

Alton Brown to the rescue. Alton Brown feels your pain. He demonstrates this by providing a delicious recipe for granola:


Oh Alton. If I had a locker, your headshot would be taped up inside it and covered in Lisa Frank stickers.

Alton, in all his wisdom, would want you to PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, preheat your oven to 250, get out your tiny bowls, and assemble the following:

Alton’s Ingredients

  • 3 cups rolled oats

  • 1 cup almonds (I used sliced)

  • 1 cup unsalted cashews.

If yours are whole, try bludgeoning them mercilessly with a can of pumpkin..

See! You’re feeling marginally better, aren’t you. Continue to beat them until until they look like this:


  • 3/4 cup shredded sweet coconut

  • and 1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons dark brown sugar

Optional Hippie Ingredients for those who like to stay regular*:

  • *About 1/3 cup wheat germ*

  • *A few tablespoons flax seed*

I heard somewhere that flax seed fights depression. Maybe you’d better make those heaping tablespoons…



Adjust measurements to taste and/or level of dejection.


Dump these ingredients into a mothership bowl.

The tiny bowls can now retire to the dishwasher, their vital purpose accomplished.


Toss dry ingredients until they look like a big brown pile of hippie confetti!


And set aside.

Now combine these in a separate bowl and whisk:

A squiggle of honey and a dash of cinnamon couldn’t hurt either. I added a little bit of extra oil and honey to facilitate clumpage.

Pour sticky into dry:

And squish it all together with your hands until it looks like this:


Spread evenly onto two ungreased baking sheets (with edges):

And insert into your oven…

to bake for an hour and 15 minutes, stirring every 15 minutes to promote even browning.

While you are waiting for the timer to beep every 15 minutes, you could

  • get back on your divan;
  • stare wistfully out of windows;
  • contemplate actually getting dressed today;
  • make a list of things you’re thankful for:


And when your time of waiting has passed, break that granola off the sheet and pour it into a container for easy dispensing.

*counter stains not included.


It’s tasty in milk or in my favorite concoction, a tiny bowl with greek yogurt drizzled with honey and topped with fruits.


Or, if you’ve regained some of your desire to be a sociable person, you could pour some in a ball mason jar, tie a ribbon around it, pick up some berries at the farmer’s tent, and give it to someone you like.

I mean. It’s a nice thought. If you wanted to. I think I might just eat bowl after bowl of it while laying around in my fat pants and watching all 6 Harry Potter movies in a row.  If there is a jar full after I’m done, though, it is YOURS.






  • 3 cups rolled oats
  • 1 cup slivered almonds
  • 1 cup cashews
  • 3/4 cup shredded sweet coconut
  • 1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons dark brown sugar
  • 1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons maple syrup
  • 1/4 cup vegetable oil
  • 3/4 teaspoon salt

Add ins (optional)

  • Wheat germ
  • flax seed
  • sunflower seeds
  • rice puffs

Post-baking add ins (pick one)

  • raisins
  • dried cranberries
  • dried blueberries

1 and 1/4 hours at 250, stirring occasionally.




4 responses to “Holy Granoly!

  1. You should add dishwasher to that list. Thanks for the great tutorial. I will definitely try this recipe. I eat flaxseed every morning in a smoothie and I had no idea that it fights depression. That could explain a lot!

  2. I love this–especially the “heaping tablespoons”–

  3. guess what I had for breakfast this morning! i’m not sharing it with ANYone.

  4. Ooohhh — yumminess!

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